listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
