Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
