i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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