Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
