i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
