You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
