fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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