cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
