Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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