just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
