the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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