Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
