if only i could text you this smell
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
