im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
