oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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