there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
