Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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