I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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