I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
