i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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