I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
