there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize