How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
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I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
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So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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