All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
