She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
