I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
should my penis look like a turkey
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
