dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
