my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
