is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize