I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
