Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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