Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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