I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
