Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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