It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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