I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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