You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
