I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
As shirtless as possible
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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