i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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