I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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