I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
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Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
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