I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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