I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
