apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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