she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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