I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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