I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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