i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
