ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
