I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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