And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
