im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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