I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
