a search helicopter?!
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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