i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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