I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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