considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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