MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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