remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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