Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
