I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
