and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
