Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
