You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility