Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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