Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.