now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
